Life and Living

I’ve lived with a known heart condition for over 15 years. For the very first time since experiencing Unstable Angina attacks, I had one where I actually said “I want to die.” I’ve gone through many but have never before said or thought those words before in all of these years. 

My heart beat at the time as if it wanted to break through the wall of my  chest. The pain was so bad until I grabbed the area as if I could hold the organ in place with my bare hands. I lay there, seemingly unable to speak as the silent tears slowly flowed down my face unchecked. I prayed to God for death because I believed it would be better for me than what I was living in that moment. 

I have had pain before, that was so bad until I could barely physically move or speak. But the pain coming from my heart this time, was memorable and for the first time in my life, left me feeling afraid. It truly felt like I was fighting death in order for me to live. Somewhere inside, I realized “I want to live.” After that, I simply stopped fighting and began to pray in earnest for my life. I’m sure we can agree that life is hard and can at times be painful in many ways, but in order to survive, you have to first want to live.